To Throw Myself Upon

coming up out of the desert, leaning on my beloved


Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 15 July, 2011

i decided to start writing again, I have moved to my old website address which had been occupied by a website for a house of prayer which sadly came to an end. is the link if you happen to find yourself here and want to read.


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You’ve never seen a lion roar like this before

Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 3 February, 2009

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(slightly) disjointed thoughts on life and the age to come

Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 18 December, 2008

“…He did not consider equality with God as something to be grasped…”

Phil 2:6


I often find myself striving with some sort of reaching towards God, This in essence is the same as trying to earn relationship with God, relationship usually involves some sort of likeness – i mean people try to be friends with toys or pets, but I’m not sure its possible to go so deep on a relationship where there seems no equality of interchange. But we see in Jesus, even as very God, Did not consider His equality to deity as something to be grasped. But He came to earth in complete obedience to the Father. He took on flesh. He made the way for us to come to God singlehandedly. He showed us His love, that we can now return that gift of love back unto Him.


Equality with God by is something not to be grasped by our merrits, Christians should agree to this in theory. We see that Jesus who was equal to God, being very God- did not readily demand all that He was deserving.  So how could we earn something that we ourselves could never deserve? The bible tells us to as many as who where called where given the rights to become the sons of God. We learn sonship by obedience. This is shown through the practice of adult baptism.

When Jesus came up out of the baptism water (a symbolism of dying your old life and now living a new life in obedience to God’s leadership) and the voice of the Father echoed, “THIS IS MY SON..” and we too can come to the Father now freely through the work of Jesus.

                                                                                                 Colossians 2:2-4

“…that their hearts may be encouraged, …  attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I say this so that no one will delude you with persuasive argument.”


we see that our attaining comes through understanding. It is in that place of understanding we can enter into the wealth of the knowledge of God. So if we understand that Christ has purchased us for His inheritance and we shall spend eternity with Him. Whether as children of his wraph, or as children of his love. We shall be with Him. How we respond to that understanding, by the promptings of the Holy Spirit are what grant us access to the mysteries hidden in Christ.


But further than what I’ve already entered into, I see I still find myself reaching unto something else.. I do not mean the reaching of my flesh to sin, but my spirit has a reaching towards God. What is it I seek to attain? If I have received salvation in the person of Jesus, I wonder why I am now still looking to something in God? But the answer is very much found in Jesus: All the hidden treasures of wisdom and knowledge lie hidden in that Man. 


You see, I’ve been thinking a lot about purpose of life recently, with job hunting: trying to seek out the point in it all, whether employment; church life; fun; friendships; family. Apart from our eternal calling to be with Him, isn’t it all so pointless? And If I am but here on earth now to share the love of God, does that mean the main purpose of my life should be to influence others? It seems like a bit of a bland existence to me, having my current purpose defined by others (that sounds a little selfish I know) but others, other than God..  I’m really trying to answer the question, what is it that He is about? What is it that He wants to with me right here and now, and why? Not that He owes me any explanation – but if there is one, it is hidden in the Person of Jesus.


So yeah, as the writer says meaningless, all meaningless, everything is meaningless under the sun.. happy huh?

So why do I feel the ache of it all? I don’t mean to sound hopeless.

I’ve been learning that It’s natural to feel like an outsider in life, or as the bible puts it to feel like a foreigner on this earth. You know the very thing Abraham believed in and looked towards was a city made by God as his home, and this was accredited to him as righteousness. This was his hope. It caused him to pack up his family and to leave.

 So is this the same for me?

Each of us was made to long for God, to long for that coming city.  So what does that say about my time here on earth? My purpose, is far beyond this age of time….So again.. i keep asking it, but thats because I’ve been asking myself it a lot lately.. what in this life could define me? clearly nothing, yet this ache of temporal hoplessness is itself a definition of who I am, but why am I here just to ache?


It’s the pain of longing.. we all experience it, though it can be difficult to give words to. We all experience pain in this life in some way or another. This is the cross we must carry sharing in the fellowship of sufferings, by living lives that are fixed on a pilgrimage not of this world. Things go wrong in life. Some are oppressed, starving, lawlessness abounds.

We are longing for Him. the mystery that has been hidden from the ages has now been revealed to us, that God desired to bring about everything both in heaven and on earth under the authority of Christ. He came to bring us access to God. 

This Christmas we remember the God who took on flesh and became a man, we know he lived then died. He made the way in Himself for us to come to God, when we were so far gone we would never be able to come… what’s more.. he is coming back again, to bring every sphere of society under His perfect leadership.

We are longing, even creation is groaning for the revealing of us as the sons of God. When He appears, who we are shall be revealed, for we will be with Him and we will be like Him.



I was encouraged by a quote by Wayne Grudem(Systematic Theology) given in the middle of a preach:

“The more Christians are caught up in enjoying the good things of this life, and the more they neglect genuine Christian fellowship and their personal relationship with Christ, the less they will long for his return. . . . To some extent, then, the degree to which we actually long for Christ’s return is a measure of the spiritual condition of our own lives at the moment.  It also gives some measure of the degree to which we see the world as it really is, as God sees it, in bondage to sin and rebellion against God, and in the power of the evil one (1 John 5:19).”


We can measure our current walk with God by our desire to hasten the day of His return. Do we want to put off His coming to bury our dead? or maybe for relationships like the man who didn’t follow Jesus because he’d just got married.

Hastening the day of the Lord. That is what I am here for. That is my assignment. May everything within me cry out “maranatha!”. May everything within me cry out for His speedy return.

For He will bring about justice.

For the unborn baby facing termination, for those trapped in sex trafficking, for those without food, impoverished by the worlds systems, the sick, there is a solution. The perfect government of God. We will not have complete justice until that day. He will come and wipe the tears from our eyes.


So my purpose is this.. to live for another age. My assignment, whatever I have to do in this age, whether working, whether preaching.. whether praying… relationships… whatever, just as I was made for that city, His habitation shall be among men.

May my time be spent to this end. Hastening the day of His coming.


The Spirit and the Bride say “Come Lord Jesus!” and let all who have ears hear what the Spirit is saying to the church.


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God is Kind

Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 27 November, 2008

There is something about the kindness of God that is able to ruin a human heart into a response of love to him.

God loves to show mercy, He actually delights in showing mercy. People have an idea that they need to beg God for mercy or plead with Him. The thing is this, we can do nothing apart from Him. So many people live their lives trying to sort themselves out – and they do, but for a moment. Whatever is lasting comes from His hand alone. Some people may come to God hoping to have made themselves ready for Him, others say they have no need of Him and can do fine without, they say they need no crutch, that is just for weak people. But I myself would have to say yes, yes I am weak. God is not just my crutch, without Him my life would be in ruins.

You see I grew up with what is called an orphan heart, growing up in a volatile controlling and abusive household, then going through foster care, back to home where my mother spent years near sedated.

I learnt to keep my feelings to myself and to not express myself. I was the child who smiled all the time, who buried the deep pain, because he was never taught to express or deal with the deep emotions of pain and hurt, yet so longing to feel comfort in that place.

The truth be known I looked to numb this pain in so many different ways, mostly I was very anxious. But unable to ask for help. But the bible tells us about the kindness of God such: His kindness leads us to repentance. So though in my inability I was trying to deal with this pain in my own way, choosing lust, addictions, relationships. His response was to pursue me with His kindness.

These things in themselves caused me to close my heart further in my shame, how could he ever love me?

I believed He was there, I had experienced Him as a young child. I just projected the image of my parents onto Him, on top of that I had all sorts of ideas about needing to clean myself up before I could come to Him. But the bible says He desires to relate to us by showing us mercy, so we would know that He comes to us because He loves us – not because we could earn it. He knows this secret, those forgiven much, will love Him much – and He desires our love.

For me with my orphan heart, still trying to come to God in a holiness of my own. God let me fall time and time again, because I couldn’t do it in myself, His answer in His kindness was to not let me make it to Him by being fixed up enough. For I’d be striving rather than being. Instead He gave me an adopted heart. The bible says that He gives the spirit of adoption. He speaks over the hearts of those who desire it – that because of the work of Jesus on the cross, we have the right to become the children of God.

The very thing that causes us to call out to God is from Himself.  While others may have tried to help me, I was mostly unable to receive it, even still. But you see when I couldn’t want God, when I couldn’t cry out for help, – He came to me, in my deepest parts. He began to speak to me of His love, His tender mercies.. my heart overwhelmed by the love He has towards me- responding Abba Abba – Daddy Daddy Father. So I am on this journey of learning to relate, learning to be vulnerable. Learning to receive and give love.


I ask for God to grip your heart even now, maybe you don’t relate to me. But wherever your at in life, His hand is towards you. I pray for the burning love of God to be made known in your heart even now.


Luke 10

Jesus replied and said, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among robbers, and they stripped him and beat him, and went away leaving him half dead.

“Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’

The truth is we all need Him.

God has never passed me by.

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if you read a blog:

Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 22 October, 2008

read this one – probably the speaker who has affected my life the most over the last 5 or 6 years. Its very concise – I highly recommend subscribing.

if you have extra time:
School update: the seminars are going well – today I took 3 classes of 13-16 year olds. Most of them seemed to engage, especially after I told them about some of my life growing up and how God would turn up in my room at night when I was their age and feel I would feel His presence and the comfort of Him speaking to me. I spoke to them about God’s desire to speak to them and made it clear i was just laying out an invitation for them to come to God for themselves. That He is interested in their lives and is waiting like a loving Father for them to come to Him to see what He has to show them or say to them. I touched on harry potter, mediums and the true door to heaven, the GodMan Jesus who joins together heaven and earth in Himself, forever.

I did some prophetic activation and let them spend some time praying for God to speak to them and to let the words I spoke to them from the bible be made known to them each in their own lives. During this time i encouraged them to write words they felt God speaking down and any pictures they got. They were all really shy, but some of the peices of paper they left behind were intense. Angels, eagles, trees, someone heard a door and they felt that God the Holy Spirit was coming into the room to help them, He drew a picture of a river which was cool. Others felt God was with them, one boy wrote down that he could feel love. I might call the presence of God.

It’s a little bit of a different subject both for me and the kids, but many are hearing the gospel this week. My friend Jeremy has been doing ‘free tickets to heaven’, where all the kids are responding to a gospel presentation and he’s teaching them to share this message with others.

Please just pray for the heart of God to be made known to this kids, and as other seminars are happening over the next 2 days that God will give them peace and help them rest while I speak to them.

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Secondary School mission week, with dreams and visions seminars

Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 19 October, 2008

hey guys,

a prayer request really, the brighton and hove house of prayer team are going to be teaching at a missions week this coming week Monday 20th – Thurs 24th. Would appreciate it if you would be able to pray for the testimony of Jesus to be made known on the school.

We were very pleased that God would open this door to speak into the lives of kids at this school of several thousand. Please pray for God to break into the kids lives and for the heart of the Father to be made known to them.

We shall be running 4 sessions a day and they are being booked up really quickly. With talks on beauty(how God sees and what he says about the girls at the school). Also what looks like it will be booked up for most of the sessions is our talks on Dreams Visions and the Angelic – Finding out God’s destiny for your life, looking at testimonies of dreams and visions, and peoples lives in the bible who God spoke to in this same way. Hoping to do some dream interpretation too, so we’ll see.

So please pray for power on the gospel, signs wonders and the spirit of prophecy to be testifying of the God-Man Christ jesus. As the guys encounter God’s plans for their lives.


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compassion – His heart exposed

Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 1 October, 2008

Two of my housemates have been talking about Jesus to a man, who seemed to suffer from addictions. We met the man on the streets a month or so ago. The first time we talked to him we noticed that the man had interesting ideas about who Jesus was. One of my housemates just kept telling the guy that Jesus loved him and the man seemed to wince everytime my housemate said it.

Then the other day I was on a university campus with one of my housemates and he was talking about Jesus to a humanist who also had his own ideas about Jesus.

With humanistic views being a pet hate, both people somewhat frustrated me.

But one of our friends saw the first guy on the bus this week, he said that his friends had overdosed and passed away. So my housemates and a friend were all praying to ask God what was going on. Joining them, I had a picture while we were praying, where I saw the sides of Jesus. With blood flowing down.. dripping.. dripping.. dripping.

you see I so quickly think in my pride, that because I bring my weaknesses before God I somehow am open in response to Him, but that wasnt always the case. But what have I done to merit His gift? All I now do is respond to love that He set on me.

The Truth is that Jesus hanged there on the cross. Showing His heart to man. While we hated Him. He didnt just hang there bleeding for a second, but for hours. While we hated Him, each one of us. Yet He was held there by choice, by His love. He exposed His heart towards us, with tears of blood flowing down. That same heart was stood before me while I didn’t comprehend Him or recognise Him. How too is His heart laid out to those yet to receive Him?

He could have died in anyway He chose, all that was required was for the weight of sin to come upon Him and for Him to suffer death for it. But He choose the cross. He could have chosen to die while they beat and whipped Him. But His death on a cross marked out the clarity of His intention to lay His heart bear before us, until we might respond.

So I pray that I would have revelation of the Lamb, the God who lays His intentions open on that cross, to have us for Himself. Who makes Himself vulnerable even in the midst of our rejection of Him and accusation of Him. May He give me the same heart for the lost and teach me what compassion looks like.

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Love Peace Kindness and Humanism

Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 29 September, 2008

The other day I was getting a bus and there were some ‘hippy’ type people drawing in chalk on the street. They were drawing hearts and writing the words love, acceptance, peace on top of their pictures.
This grieved me, people so often assume that they can understand the definitions of love and kindness. While I know that I have received of love and kindness from God. I cannot end searching out the depths of them. I mean not to sound like a broken record. But I am horrified by mans supposed comprehension of what love and peace look like.

Because while a human may help a fellow human. The ultimate goal usually is to minimize human suffering or for man to be the answer to mans problems. Really we do not know what is eternally best for people. We have an inkling to think we are kind because we give someone a cup of water.

In God, we see that in His infinite kindness, He stepped down from heaven and became like us. When people today think of tolerance or acceptance as love it is so distorted, what they are really saying is that they wouldn’t like to be judged if they were the person who’s lifestyle or action was in question. But God did not take pity on us thinking.. “what if I was like them and had to take judgment?” though He surely knew that we would not be able to stand under the weight of His wrath. But yet in His love He did come for us. But not because of a fear of receiving judgment or wanting vindication to His own life (as if it were fallen).

To give a fellow human a cup of water, is stepping horizontally. But God stepping down to man. Is beyond even the premise of me loving insects to the extent that I would become one of them and die for them. Its not just a stupid analogy. God took on our frame. Really – who do we think we are that it would make sense for God to step down to us? You see.. we were wicked. Completely – we choose against His ways. We hated Him. and I’m not talking about giving a cup of water to someone you hate. But how about imagining the God of the ages, coming down to your level, putting on flesh, while you are at disagreement with His leadership – preferring your own ways and then this God. Even while you stood condemned before Him as one who hated Him, He poured out His life unto death for you. Shedding blood, the punishment you deserve for rejecting your maker. Now let me ask you, how will you respond?

Should He let you into eternity experiencing exhilaration and delight that is found only in God? So you think you are kind, would you let someone into your house if they had rejected your gift of shedding blood for them? How about the uncreated God who owed you nothing giving His all for you? If you have not yet received forgiveness and rightfully given your life over to His leadership. Do so, for He is worthy of your life and He desires your affections. He wants to make Himself known to you.

We will only understand His kindness and His love shown towards us as we begin to grasp the depths of how other than us He is. But we will never end searching Him out, so we cannot know the depths of the kindness that have been shown to us in God Incarnate – Jesus.

On peace, I need to make it clear – man is not the solutions to mans problems. Only God can save us. Peace will not come about through any peace treaty – as good as they may be. Jesus is coming back to earth and He will bring true peace. If we lift our voice to seek His leadership then the bible promises in Luke 18 that we shall have speedy justice. He is the only man of peace I want. Many will come saying they are the one to bring peace. But He will bring it in perfect righteousness and justice. He will not compromise on that.

We need to grasp a right view of the Eternal God. He is not just wise. The bible declares that He is the only wise One. You cannot love rightly apart from receiving of His love. Anything else is empty. When we see the height of who God is rather than trying to bring Him down to our level to understand Him, we will be filled with awe.

The true knowledge of God is the answer to the spirit of this age. kindness and love defined by man is crushed under the true knowledge of God. This will offend. But I believe as we press into pursue the knowledge of God, such a weight of who He is, even the fear of the Lord will be released again on preaching when He is put in His due place.

That is what we are to pursue, the true knowledge of God, which leads to fear and trembling in our inner being. When we engage with the Spirit of God to grow in our understanding of who God is. Conviction will come fourth in our hearts. In the same way as we testify of who He is. How Holy He is. The Spirit will confirm what words cannot.

May the right reverential fear of the Lord be released on preaching again.


“I looked up and I saw Him there, love defined, with arms wide open, and a heart exposed.

Arms wide open, bleeding, this is how I know what love is.”

– Misty Edwards

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An Invitation to Whole Heartedness

Posted by A.W. Kennedy on 3 September, 2008

I have been tried where my life currently sits and found wanting. Prone to compromise. So again, I set myself to step onto a journey.

My journey begins with the knowledge of God. Everything I thought I knew about Him, I must lay down, so that I can press on to the true knowledge of Him, For I have found time and time again, that when I think I know Him, I am no more than deceived and my heart grows in pride and waxes cold. For if my heart is not moved by knowledge of Him, then I have atheism in my heart and act out in wickedness. That may sound like strong language. But the very premise that our ways, when chosen above God’s stand as anything other than wickedness, shows the depths of our fallen condition, we think we know better than Him. We think that the way we choose is right. Every time we choose our way, no matter how small or reasonable it may seem over His – it is to lift ourselves above God. It is from that premise of our own way being agreeable that, we must turn from and look to who He really is. As when we see Who He is, then we see why we must follow His way.

The true knowledge of God will push our hearts to give ourselves whole heartedly to Him. To live in ever deepening consecration, We cannot stand still concerning deepening our knowledge in Him, for if we ever settle and think we have searched Him out and understand Him, then our hearts wax cold, but if we will press in, our hearts will become fascinated by Him. The Third group of course, are those who deny the invitation to come to Him altogether, for they think they have decided enough for themselves, He is not who me say He is. To this group I say, come, I have tasted and seen, there is nothing that comes close to the exhilaration of deep communion with the deity. His way is life. To extent those who feel they have grasped Him and those who have so far denied the invitation to come into experiential knowledge of Him sit together. Neither one has a heart made alive by fresh encounter of the person of God. Both are settled in complacency. He is more than we have yet imagined.

So Who is He?

To describe Him, my God is like fire, He is like rain, He is like wind. He is the one who’s feet are like burnished bronze. He is immutable. The vehement flame of love, a consuming fire, yet beyond all of descriptions, they do not tell you really who He is, they may seem like strong language, they should, I can’t describe to you who He is, for He stands beyond everything I know. I will never comprehend Him, except that He chooses to reveal of Himself to my finite understanding. You see I am constrained to see and experience Him as I am finite. Being infinite He stands as beyond any description of Him that we could place on Him. To be clear, He has chosen to reveal Himself to me through things which I can comprehend, though those things in themselves are not God, and so not to be the focus of my worship, that is anything created. When God reveals Himself through nature, it is because He desires to communicate something of how He feels towards us, or how He desires to engage with us. 

So yet when I find myself thinking to have understood Him, by grace I realise, I have yet to begin. I will never exaust searching out the mysteries of who He really is.

Do not get me wrong, I know Him, I can still tell you about Him, for I have looked and seen where the mysteries are hidden: In a Man, the theanthropos, the GodMan, Christ Jesus. I have just not even begun to search them out yet. He alone is the express image of the invisible God. The radiance of the divine.


You see, He took on flesh and in doing so showed us His intention to bring us to Himself forever. For that was His good pleasure. There sits the first mystery. It is not that it is incomprehensible, though that in itself is, when you try to consider the immutable God, having no parts, being complete in total unity, clothing Himself in flesh. God Immutable Indivisible Invisible Incarnate.

Rather, the mysterys is one which we shall never exhaust searching out, the riches of the manifold wisdom of God shown towards us in His kind intent, by bringing us into relationship with Himself. God has been Kind. We can trust He always will be kind, for He will never act differently beyond what He has shown of Himself for us, for He is, He never changes.

And so I am entering again into a journey, where I forget all I have known. To look deep upon this God, the God incomprehensible, yet the focus of my meditation. For in Him is all that I need. Because, He has created me for Himself.


So my blog.. this being my first post. I would invite you, not to enter into my journey – for you cannot. Gone are the days when we would go to another to get to God. So rather, I hope perhaps inspire you to some of what is available, to enter to your own journey, for there is an invitation to come to Jesus and to experience the same exhilaration in your inner-being that He has brought to so many before. He Is True Beauty, meditation on Him will awaken the heart to love and fascinate our minds. It is available because of the work of the cross. In the depths of God’s love, He took on Himself the punishment for all the wickedness that seperated us from Him, so each of us can now come to Him. That is His invitation to us. To set our hearts on this ceaseless journey, we will never reach the end of searching out.

I desire to search Him out, that my life may be thrown upon Him. That I would come out of this life leaning upon my Beloved. This only comes as I gaze upon Him, as I seek and enquire of the mysteries and allow the Spirit of Revelation to move upon my heart, brining fresh depth of insight into who God is and how He feels concerning me. I do not want to live on yesterdays encounter. I want to walk deeper into the mysteries of God today.

I shall leave you with one of my favorite quotes, its about Jesus.

“Jesus, as the expressed image and exact representation of the Father, displays the depths of God’s tenderness to weak, fractured, fallen human beings… This tenderness causes wells of love to spring forth… A heart won in tenderness is a heart secured in the tightest grip imaginable and will not give way in the darkest hours.” – Allen Hood


Hebrews 1:3 (AMP)

3He is the sole expression of the glory of God [the Light-being, the out-raying or radiance of the divine], and He is the perfect imprint and very image of [God’s] nature, upholding and maintaining and guiding and propelling the universe by His mighty word of power. When He had by offering Himself accomplished our cleansing of sins and riddance of guilt, He sat down at the right hand of the divine Majesty on high

Other recommended reading: Ephesians chapter 1-3

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